A Remote Lake Somewhere In Virginia
by DanaMulder
Summary: Chapter 5 added... if you haven't read before, a short parody fic I bet you'll like!
1. Default Chapter

FBI Headquarters Washington, D.C. 11:21 a.m.  
  
"Uhhhhn."  
"Mmmmmmh." "Oh God. Uhhh Mulder."  
"Mmm. Get off my desk." "We should stop now, it's getting towards lunch time." "Mulder, why won't the paperwork leave when I asked it to nicely?" "It's known to be disobedient." "Well it doesn't get that trait from my side of the office," Scully said staring blankly at Mulder. "Don't you just love the monogamy?" Mulder suddenly stared back. "The monogamy? Scully, I'm getting excited." "Monotony. You know what I meant," she said with a reprimanding glance. "Monotonous it is. But what can we do about it?" He sighed, shrugging. Scully checked her watch and was relieved to find lunchtime was drawing nearer. "For starters, you're buying me lunch, right? The Knicks lost, remember." Mulder more than willing rose up out of his chair to follow his partner out the door.  
  
* * *  
  
All 4 feet of the duo went a-tapping as they waited in the line for take- out at Chung's Chow. Seemingly out of nowhere, Mulder turned toward Scully, feet still and firmly planted on the linoleum floor. "Scully, when was the last time you did something really out there?"  
"Out there, Mulder?"  
"Fun and wild. Bungee jumping, sky diving, fly-fishing in the middle of Grand Rapids with solidified ranch dressing as bait." He widened his eyes innocently in response to his partner's kill-me-now stare. They turned forward to face the smiling cashier. Mulder abruptly grabbed Scully by the arm and yanked her toward the exit. "Mulder, what the hell are you doing?" Mulder knew, as usual, this was no time for questions. Sweeping Scully off her dainty high heeled feet he charged down the intersection back to their car. Scully fiercely beat him over the head with one of her removed shoes demanding to be released.  
  
* * * A Remote Pond Somewhere in Virginia 2:31 p.m.  
  
Scully looked blankly at Mulder again. "I didn't even get my bleeping lo- mein." She didn't seem disturbed by the fact she was situated in the middle of a raft dubbed the "Piper Maru II". However, she was unnerved by the grin plastered on Mulder's face.  
"Oh common', Scully Wully doesn't like it here?"  
"Mulder are you drunk?"  
"Is LSD a beverage?" Scully splashed water in his face and rolled her eyes. "You realize Skinner has no idea where we are?" Mulder made a high pitched squealing sound and fished around inside his suit jacket. He withdrew a small packet and popped another aqua tinted sheet into his mouth. Scully stared at him. "Mulder, give me the Listerine Pocket Pack. I think you've had enough." Sticking his turquoise goo-covered tongue out at his very hungry partner, he turned his nose up and faced away.  
'The smug son-of-a-bitch. Hey, what is that? Electrical tape on a raft. It's great to know Mulder is so concerned about safety. Honestly, sometimes even I'm surprised at how little really goes through that "brilliant" mind of his. Wait a minute.' Scully, stomach still rumbling and hence a bit moody, began slowly and inconspicuously to peel back the tape. Mulder did not seem to notice as the water slowly seemed into the bottom of the raft and around his shoes. Scully decided this was just about as wild and out there as she could get at the moment. "Scuhlie!! Uuk! Wanna ick da studf oof mi tunng?" "Mulder you have never been more attractive," Scully remarked shaking her head and watching the water seep up Mulder's pants. "Having an accident, Big Boy?" "Eh? Gah vater eeking!" "Yeeees! Good job, Spooky baby!" Mulder looked panicked back at the dock, some 100 feet away, (A/N: It's a big pond.) Scully seized the moment by doing the most irrational thing she could. Mulder screamed as the boat was tipped over from Scully's side.  
  
Bubbles popped up around Scully as she pushed her hair back away from her face and tread water. "Whoops." Mulder sputtered around next to her, appearing to be caught and held captive in his own suit jacket. The drowned rat that had surfaced next to her was a sight worth paying to see. Scully burst out laughing, wondering if the glaring Mulder was feeling a bit more 'sober' now.  
"You.you tipped us."  
"If I'm not mistaken, partner dearest," she half-laughed, half-said, "I'm not the tipsy one here." As she continued to tread water, her untucked blouse began to float up around her torso. Suddenly Mulder's anger seemed to fade away as he caught a glimpse of pale abs. Seeing the direction of his stare, Scully quickly pulled the wet shirt around her as she blushed. She turned her head away from Mulder, embarrassed. Fun and wild.. Scully paused for a moment, then slowly began to unbutton her blouse. She shrugged it off and turned back around to face Mulder, trying hard to conceal a grin. He sheepishly smiled back at her and loosened his tie.  
"Uh. uh. well I uh. must say informality has its nicer side. Talk about adding breast-err, zest to your life." He cleared his throat. "Scully skinny dipping," he mumbled under his breath, "did Hell freeze over or am I dead?" He said as he shrugged off his jacket and pulled his tie over his head. He began swinging it over his head as he swam toward his partner. "Woot! Woot!" Scully eyed him oddly as he placed the tie around her bare neck. "It's indecent for a lady to go completely uncovered."  
"Why thank you for your concern Mr. Those-Aren't-My-Porn-Movies-They- Just-Showed-Up-In-My-VCR," she said grinning. Both FBI agents attention turned to the spot in between them as something slowly surfaced. "Mulder what is it?!?" She instantly looked to draw her gun from its holster.  
"It appears to be.," he paused, "well if I didn't know any better I'd say those look like my pants." Scully cocked her head and raised an eyebrow at him.  
"Mulder, you never could keep your pants on around me."  
"Just remember who took their shirt off first, Scully Wully."  
  
4:01 p.m. The Same Remote Pond Somewhere In Virginia  
  
Having collected themselves partly after the conclusion of "Stripfest '03: What They Don't Teach at the Academy" Scully and Mulder lounged next to one another in the now up-righted raft. Mulder's arm rested across Scully's shoulders as she leaned her head again his shoulder. They both stared across the pond, saying nothing, purely savoring the other's company. Mulder played affectionately with the tips of Scully's red hair, occasionally running his fingers all the way through it.  
"I like you, Miss Cuddly Scully, you're a keeper." She turned to stare at him wryly as he winked at her.  
"Yeah, if I can love the world's most paranoid individual, I'd say I'm a keeper too. Maybe I'll let you stick around, Spooky," she said quietly, planting a soft kiss on his still waterlogged shoulder. "I don't quite like being this wet all the time, though."  
"Don't worry about it," he said soothingly, "I have that affect on a lot of people." He smiled and laughed loudly as Scully slapped him. 


	2. Several Mornings After

11:21 am Mulder's Apartment  
  
Mulder rolled over. This was not a good idea, provided he was sleeping on the couch again.  
"Ow," he mumbled, pushing himself up off the floor. He doggedly rubbed sleep out of his eyes to find the time. "I should have been at work hours ago." Mulder stumbled around his room pathetically attempting to groom himself and dress at the same time. A knock at the door interrupted his motions. "Just a minute!" He moved toward his door, but not before tripping over a stack of files lying next to the couch.  
"Mulder?" He knew that skeptical tone. What was Scully doing at his apartment? She couldn't be late for work, too. And why stop by anyway?  
"I'm okay," he said, opening the door to Scully's quizzical stare.  
"What happened?"  
"Oh, I, uh, tripped over something." Scully moved into the apartment picking up the scattered papers. As her partner bent down to assist her she noticed his suit jacket was on inside out.  
"Mulder why are you wearing a suit? And inside out?" Mulder stacked the files on top of one another again. He glanced down at his clothing.  
"Didn't you know today was "Inside-Out and Backwards Suit Day" at the Bureau?" He noticed now she was dressed comfortably in a light sweater and jeans.  
"It's Sunday, Mulder. We don't work on Sundays, remember?" Mulder stopped stacking folders.  
"Oh. I thought I had overslept." Scully smiled.  
"We all know that's a huge problem with you," she said sarcastically, "anyway, we had agreed to go out and do something today. Although I'm doubting you remember that either." Scully looked to the table noticing another Listerine Pocket Pack. "Do those things have harmful side effects from overdosing perhaps? Memory loss? Long periods of hibernation?" Mulder apprehensively snatched his Listerine from the coffee table, eyeing Scully as if she was about to take them hostage.  
"Don't worry, Spooky, its common knowledge I derive my euphoria from Tums." A serene look swept across Scully's features. "Nothing hits the spot like the good old antacid tablets." Mulder raised an eyebrow at Scully for once.  
"I guess you don't get heartburn then, huh?" He withdrew another aqua strip from his pouch and placed it on his tongue. "Captain Calcium." He winked at her.  
"Says Sir Minty Fresh Breath."  
"How would you know, Agent Scully?" Mulder grinned stupidly at her. "Have you gotten that close to my mouth recently? Huh?" She rolled her eyes at him and told him to put some casual clothes on.  
"You just want to see me strip again, don't you?"  
"Why so defensive, Mr. Mulder? Afraid to show off those cute polka- dotted boxers again?"  
"They weren't polka dots. Those were aliens," Mulder said guardedly, moving into the bathroom to change. When he was finished the pair headed out of the apartment, deciding to go to the park. "Oh! By the way, let's not take a car. I have something much more interesting in mind." Scully looked at him doubtfully.  
"What, are we going to ride bikes there or something?" Mulder's eyes grew wider. 'He's lucky he looks so innocent most of the time,' Scully thought.  
"Better!" Mulder moved toward the side of the building and rummaged around behind several crates. "Ta dah!"  
"Oh my God." Scully put her hands to her face. "Mulder? Did you forget your medication this morning?"  
"No way, Scully! Those pills are so small; I've started taking extra, just in case. Isn't this great?! It's a scooter! And a motorized one at that!" Scully examined the 'vehicle' warily, seeing the title "Harley Davison Ghetto Scooter" written in Sharpie its side. Mulder pulled the scooter out onto the side walk and hopped on. "Get on back, Scully!" Scully slowly stepped onto the small space on the back of the contraption and put her arms around Mulder's waist. "See, it's not that bad." Mulder started the scooter. It lurched forward as they took off down the side walk. Mulder abruptly decided to take to the streets, a yelling Scully protesting all the meanwhile. Traffic halted at a stop light allowing Mulder to gracefully rear-end the car in front of him. The driver stuck his head out the window.  
"What the hell do you two think you're doing?" Mulder pulled up alongside the driver's window.  
"Don't you love the paint job, A.D.?" Mulder said, smiling, and patted his boss' balding head. Skinner looked to Scully, as if Mulder's behavior was her fault. Before Scully could apologize, the light turned green and Mulder let out a deafening "whee" and sped off toward the park, leaving Scully to hold on for dear life. 


	3. Five's A Crowd

Sligo Ave Park 1:13 P.M.  
  
Reaching for his gun and briskly rotating 360 degrees to find the source, Mulder was shocked still when it turned out to be, not a UFO, but a USW. "Muuulderrrr. I'm huuuungry. Not to mention this is the most sweltering of all days we could have picked for a Sound of Music-ish outing." The Unsatisfied Scully Wail (USW) abruptly ended at the sight of an ice cream vendor unsuspectingly selling his ware. "You think he carries tofutti rice dreamsicles? Honestly, if only everyone weren't clogging their arteries like you, we'd actually have decent ice. food in the streets of D.C."  
Sticking his tongue out at her withdrawing back, he tucked it quickly back in to place when he caught a glimpse of the teal residue. Couldn't have Scully seeing that little piece of evidence. Knowing her, she'd inspect it with those gloved hands, and man, those nails are sharper than they look. His back was still a bit scratched up from dream-Scully. not that he dreamt about her. Oh well, last night she was a bit more conservative than usual. at least she didn't use her teeth this time. Walking up behind the four year old FBI Agent Scully, who was now hopping from foot to foot making her choice and then changing it, over and over, Spooky attempted to push that memory to the back of his mind.  
"What does Scully Wully want? My treat."  
"I'm deciding between the Peanuts popsicle, the all-natural Tropicana bar, and the firecracker. Uuuuhh. The Firecracker." Looking up at the vendor, Mulder nodded, and added two scoops of peach sorbet in a plastic cup for himself.  
Walking across the street, back towards the park, Scully unwrapped her firecracker with difficulty, making quite a mess of herself, and using the seat of Mulder's pants as a napkin. The pair sat down on a bench in the shade of an oak tree. Scully, now pleased at having the multi-colored firecracker at her disposal, began the wonderful task of licking the individual drops trailing down the sides of the popsicle, up, from base to tip, in a fluid stroke. Repeating this process over and over, concentrating intently on the melting firecracker, she did not notice the gawking Mulder at her side. Noticing for the first time the goldfish expression on her partner's face, she came to an abrupt and unwelcome halt. Innocent eyes looking at him from under her lashes, she held out the popsicle. "Wanna lick."  
"I don't swing way." Before Scully could respond by hitting Mulder, the two heard an obnoxiously loud rustling noise emanating from the foliage above them. Mulder finished the last scoop of ice cream and looked upward, squinting. He withdrew his gun for the second time from its sheath and pointed it at the treetop.  
"Mulder, it's probably just a squirrel." The rustling continued.  
  
"Eeeeaaaaah!" This time Scully drew her weapon, too.  
"Who the hell are you?" Mulder asked, keeping the person that had just dropped, or fallen, from the tree in his sight. The individual responded with demonic laughter. "What's your business in that oak tree?" The person gazed up at Mulder smiling happily. She crawled slowly toward his feet.  
"Umph." Scully looked madly behind the first girl, seeing two more drop out of the tree.  
"Stefanie! Get back here!" A commanding tone came from one of the newest girls. "Stefanie" continued crawling towards Mulder.  
"So. Hot. Well at least in Season Four. So. hot. TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS! Please? Or let me in them?" Scully furiously pivoted. Stefanie fell over with a short scream. "OWCH!" The other speaking girl came forward.  
"What did you do that for?" Stefanie lay bleeding on the ground.  
"Scully shot me!" She said enthusiastically. "Scully! Shot! ME! Look, Ashley" she said pointing to the entry wound." She then promptly passed out. The alleged "Ashley" rushed forward to her friend's side.  
"Cool. But don't let her die. Dr. Scully, save her! Pweese?" Stefanie's eyelids fluttered briefly and searched for Mulder again.  
"I see you Mr. Hot-Pants." Scully drew her weapon again. Stefanie "passed out" once more. Ashley spoke once again,  
"Uh. Well. Sorry we had to spy on you like that. This is Tanya, by the way." Tanya, still dumbfounded, was restraining herself from hugging Scully. She thought they should at least be on a first name basis. Unlike Stefanie. Tanya agreed with Ashley.  
"It is a shame. Especially last night. whew, I've never see-" Mulder suddenly looked interested again, but Tanya was cut off by Ashley elbowing her. "I've never seen such nice upholstery. Yes." The conscious girls smiled gleefully at their heroes. Mulder had bent down over Stefanie, applying pressure to her wound. Scully became outraged.  
"Mulder get your hands off her!" Mulder protested,  
"Well I don't see you saving her."  
"If that wound weren't in that spot you wouldn't be anywhere near her." Stefanie smiled briefly, although still unconscious. Ashley suddenly took Mulder's side.  
"But he's a nice sicko! There's nothing wrong with porno- uh." Scully looked frightened this time. "Ha ha ha. Just kidding. Only Spooky enjoys that type of entertainment." Ashley winked at Mulder, who was still crouched down.  
"So, Scully what are you doing tonight?" Tanya asked teasingly.  
"Cleaning my gun, if you're going to be anywhere near."  
"Oh, well. What kind of gun do you have?" She snorted. Scully turned to Mulder and attempted to wrestle him off Stefanie.  
"Mulder, for God's sake even if she was your age! MULDER! She doesn't even have a wound ther-," Scully stopped speaking and started slapping. Mulder only seemed to enjoy that.  
"Harder, Scullums!" He grinned at her. Finally, an ambulance arrived and Scully moved off Mulder to talk to the EMTs. Everyone looked quite confused, realizing no one had called one. The now enlarged group of people hopped into the back of the ambulance. Only fifteen minutes later would they realize they had forgotten Stefanie and Mulder. 


	4. Someone Has Duchovny Lips?

9:03 am Washington Hospital Center  
  
Scully and Mulder talked quietly in the hallway outside Stefanie's room. Mulder was still attempting to prove to Scully he was in love with only her and not any of the younger girls that had fallen out of a tree. Scully, still unable to piece together their story briskly told Mulder to shut up and figure out where they had come from instead.  
"I don't know, Scullums," he paused briefly as she hit him for the second time that day, "all I could get out of them was 'follow the squirrels' and a hint of scheming."  
"Right. So they were stalking us."  
"Yes." Mulder appeared thoughtful for a moment.  
"Although I think I should contact some people about this rodent conspiracy they speak of." Scully merely rolled her eyes and searched for her TUMS. As she neurotically dug through the container searching for a green tablet Mulder started smiling uncontrollably.  
"Okay, Mulder, hand over the Listerine. That's enough," she said sucking on two antacid pills.  
"You shot someone because they wanted me." He struggled to conceal a grin. Scully shot him a glance.  
"Would you like to repeat that?" Mulder raised his voice now.  
"You shot someone because thEY WANTED ME!" Scully looked even more annoyed, grabbing Mulder and hurriedly shoving him into Stefanie's hospital room as a nurse came to see what the commotion was about.  
"Just remember that I still have my gun, Mister," she hissed. Looking to Stefanie she noted that she was still sleeping. Or unconscious. One of the two, but either worked. Grabbing Mulder by the tie she shoved him up again a wall.  
"Eh. yes?" he squeaked quietly. She shook her head at him, squinting.  
"You have some nerve, buddy," she unexpectedly leaned forward and kissed him passionately for a moment, then broke away, "and you have a very big mouth." Mulder nodded enthusiastically, confirming her last statement.  
"I also have a very big-"  
"Cough." The two FBI agents sprang away from each other, startled to see Stefanie staring at them intently. Ashley and Tanya came into the room and stared at Scully and Mulder.  
"Well I wonder what THEY were doing," Tanya guffawed noticing Mulder's ruffled tie. Ashley leaned forward and whispered,  
"The janitor's closet is right across the hall, you know." Mulder's stare moved to Scully.  
"Uh, see you girls later." He walked toward the door, dragging Scully along with him as he went.  
"Much." Scully added as she began shutting the door behind them. Ashley and Tanya innocently stood and smiled as they turned down the hallway. Ashley added some substance into Stefanie's IV, making her pass out once again and leave her rambling about Mr. Hot Pants behind. She then deftly picked her up and cautiously swung her over her shoulder. The threesome exited the hospital in pursuit of their two heroes. 


	5. Top 20 Ways to Use a Desk

The Next Day.  
  
Mulder and Scully sat talking quietly in Mulder's office. Mulder was happy to notice that Scully smiled a lot more than usual since their day at the lake. She was much more open since then, too.  
"You know I guess having an office in the basement has its advantages after all, huh?" Mulder asked smiling mischievously.  
"I always told you that your desk was more useful when it was cleaned off." Scully stared innocently at Mulder. Mulder looked at the files and papers scattered about on the floor around his desk.  
"I guess I just didn't know the proper way to clean." A knock on the door interrupted the conversation. "Come in." The door swung open slowly, pushed cautiously from the outside.  
"Hello again." Two of the three girls shuffled quickly into the room. Stefanie on the other hand was dragged into the room. She grabbed onto the name plate reading "Fox Mulder" as she was pulled through files.  
"Ow." Tanya couldn't tell if Scully looked more concerned or annoyed at the reappearance of the girls.  
"How did you get past security?" She said, slightly awestruck that the threesome was intelligent enough to get a half-conscious girl and themselves into the FBI building undetected.  
"You know they really should watch their heating ducts more carefull- ." Tanya looked at Ashley.  
"She means we asked really politely and the lovely guards let us in."  
"Without visitor passes."  
"Uhh." It was Ashley's turn to glance at Tanya. They decided not to give reason as to why they had to identification on them. "Could you look at her wound and make sure it's not infected?" Ashley asked Scully innocently.  
"Why me?"  
"Well you shot her. But if you really don't want to I'm sure your partner would be more than will-"  
"Yeah, yeah. Put her up on the desk." Mulder looked up from his bag of sunflower seeds as Stefanie was dropped onto his desk. She looked around blankly until she saw Mulder.  
"Hot."  
"What was that?" He asked, trying to conceal a grin while looking to Scully.  
"Mulder," Stefanie said. Mulder tried to help her along,  
"Mulder is.."  
"Pants," Stefanie continued on with Scully checking her wound. She started to leave to procure new gauze from her office when Mulder stopped her.  
"Why don't you just use the gauze you had in here when you tied me down to the- uh, why don't you use the gauze in here?" Scully squinted. Tanya and Ashley smiled. A frown crossed over Stefanie's drugged face.  
"Mine." Her single word statement was followed by an "ack" as Scully re-bandaged her torso wound. Ashley looked worried.  
"Um, Scully? Didn't you tie that kind of tight?"  
"Hmm? Oh. Well I." she mumbled as she loosened the bandage. "Well that's that. Now what did you girls really come here for?"  
  
A/N: Do I really know where I'm going with this piece. no. 


End file.
